The biggest mistake we make with regards to relationships is that we do not understand what they are for. We are so busy trying to get something out of them, but we are unclear what that something is—except to say happiness and satisfaction, in some form or another.
We are in such hot pursuit of discovering and receiving all the gifts that this new love has to offer, that we usually miss its greatest gift of all. We are blinded by all of the attention, time, romance, and sexual energy (physical and/or emotional), that we fly right passed it.
Right now you are probably sitting there saying to yourself “There’s something more?”
The answer to this question is at best paradoxical. We must first recognize this paradox, and then we must understand it so that we may transcend it. So are you ready for the big surprise? We are in a relationship to experience ourselves, not someone else. What did he just say? That’s right, you are in a relationship to experience YOU!
Well what the hell does that mean? Hang in there, I’ll tell you. When someone is in pain, though we may feel empathetic, we can not feel their pain. Nor can anyone else feel ours. They may in their own mind relive a past pain in order to feel sympathy, but that is still theirs too, not ours. We can not experience anything from another, only ourselves.
My best example of this is pertaining to what most of us would call a bad relationship. One side does all the giving, while the other side does all the taking. Usually on the side of the giver there is a corner full of council, who by-the-way are quick to point out what a loser the taker is.
STOP!!!
I said it before; we are in relationships to experience ourselves, not someone else!
We can hypothesize all day long about what it is like to be forgiving, understanding, compassionate, loving, and/or unconditional, but at this point it is only a concept—It is not real. The ONLY way we can BE those things is to experience them, not theorize about them. We are Human Beings, not Human Theorizers!
So what if your child/relative/friend wanted to experience them self as being forgiving, for example? What if this was something that made them feel good about them self? The only way to have this feeling is to have the experience. That is why they are in this relationship! And here you were trying to rob them of that—shame on you.
The truth is they could not be in this relationship if it were otherwise. Although it may be unacceptable to you, it is the very thing they need to complete their agenda. This does not make the struggle any more fun to watch or even be in at the time, but as they say in the gym, “pain is just a side effect of growth”. This is true on an emotional level as well.
The only way we can experience BEING nice, is if there are mean people.
The only way we can experience BEING good, is if there are bad people.
The only way we can experience BEING forgiving, is if someone needs to be forgiven.
The only way we can experience BEING Understanding, is if someone needs to be understood.
When you recognize that the purpose for what we call evil, is so that good can exist, you will start to see the perfection of it all. One cannot exist without the other. When you finally GET this, you will cease to be a victim, and will start to see that all relationships are perfect, until they are no longer needed—and then they just disappear.
When you realize that relationships are a place for you to GIVE away who you are, you will not have to look far for a place to do just that. Everyone loves a giver.
It will be in this moment of clarity that you will receive the greatest of all—the purpose of a relationship is that you GET to experience WHO YOU ARE, in a way that is of your own design.
The good news is that now you know. The bad news is you will someday forget. I know I have.
~ Jeffery Alan Read
